This Was All Your Idea

Ed Plankton is our long-standing Group President, Safety & Industrial. He’s the top executive responsible for one of our two major business units, overseeing roughly 22,000 employees, with full P&L accountability for that entire segment.

Which is to say, on any given day, he “does” this:

P&L ownership

Full revenue/profit accountability for the entire business group (~$9–10B+ in annual sales blah blah blah)

Strategy

Set growth strategy, identify market opportunities, decide on investments and portfolio focus etc. etc.

Customer focus

Partner with manufacturers, infrastructure and transportation agencies, and safety engineers to solve complex performance something or other…

Operations oversight

Manage manufacturing, supply chain, R&D, and sales across (yawn) nevermind…

Leadership

Lead scientists, engineers, business leaders, and problem-solvers to “drive ownership of results”

Reporting

Reports directly to the CEO (one of only two Group Presidents running our entire operating P&L hot mess)

So, Ed’s legit. The guy is a big deal. Good at this stuff. Apparently.

But two of our Top Executive Leadership Monitoring Synthesizers, Samuel Alfons, Regulatory Engineering Risk and Compliance Supervisor, and Lisa Habberdank, Executive Chairman, were just having lunch with Ed—as they’re wont to do the third to last Tuesday of every month, and of course only at Mancini’s Char House in downtown St. Paul (if you’re ever in the Maplewood area you MUST go…the Relish Tray alone is stunning)—and after they got through the Blackened Beef Tip & Blue Cheese Salad, then the Herring & Crackers, started discussing the “major business units” Ed does stuff for, and, surfaced something we here on the Symbiotic Ultimate Leadership Board long dreaded.

Ed: “Man, (chewing), I mean…these beef tips are like…dynamite man.”

Samuel: “Ah, yeah, thanks Ed. So, well, what exact business units do you do stuff for?”

Ed: “Oh yeah sure. It’s Roofing Granules, and the cone thing...oh! Traffic Safety Systems. By the way we’re killing it on Roofing Granules in southeast Portugal right now.”

Lisa: “Hell yeah Portugal baby! Love that gazpacho!"

Samuel: “Okay, so what exactly…and hey you got some sardine in your teeth. Ed, we need to know, like, what your day-to-day looks like.”

Ed: “Oh sure! Is this ‘cause you saw me smoking with Loretta in the garage? Sorry about that. I really just went to see her new Macan Turbo Electric, and she offered one up. Her new ride is Granny Smith Apple Green! Have you seen it?"

Lisa: “Hell yeah I have, I vomited on it after Todd’s sauna party on Memorial Day.”

Samuel: “Woah.”

Ed: “Oh I know, it’s because I got all that guacamole on my laptop and it smelled so bad during our earnings call!”

Lisa: “I only saw the video of that, but no, that wasn’t a big deal.”

Ed: “Oh okay. So to answer your question, so like basically daily it’s review reports, meet with division VPs, take customer calls…ah…do strategy sessions."

Lisa: “Um, so you basically review memos, then take meetings at The St. Paul Hotel…what’s the bar there?”

Samuel: “Oh yeah that place is great. The St. Paul Grill! They have that drink with prosecco and Cocchi American and Hendricks…”

Ed: “The Dixon’s Girl! Loretta loves that one.”

Lisa: “Okay Ed, so this is all good, and by the way, we love your social posts about our Executive Washroom. But we’re starting to get jammed up in certain areas. Specifically revenue growth areas. And Our Beloved Board is asking questions, so while we want you to keep this work going, we also need you to…innovate.”

Samuel: “You know, come up with some ideas. Forward-looking stuff. Like new products, or re-envisioning existing products. Like that hand soap guy did by making it pink or whatever and putting in a curvy bottle.”

Ed: “Dawn?”

Lisa: “Dawn is blue dude. Method is the soap guy.”

Ed: “Method Man? Wu-Tang soap!”

Lisa: “No no, Method is the brand it’s pink and…”

Ed: “Hey they wash baby ducks with Dawn! I wish we could do that.”

Samuel: “You guys, yes, that kind of idea, baby ducks, pink hand soap, whatever, we just need ideas.”

Ed: “You mean like new ideas?”

Samuel: “Yeah, Ed, that’s the deal. When was the last time you had an idea?”

Ed: “I haven’t since I became Group President. I just write memos and take people to lunch. I mean, that’s what President’s basically do.”

That’s right; the machinations of our organization combined with company culture and the status associated with our corporate roles and functions created an idea desert, a complete lack of risk tolerance, and ultimately, a vacuum where there was once stellar development.

And all at the most important level: The People In Charge Level.

So without further ado, we post-hasted our 192^nd mandatory internal training program designed to break the schism past the impasse so we could get some ideas cookin’ in this place as if our lifestyles depend on it. Because they certainly do. These canapes aren’t going to serve themselves, and The Metropolitan Club’s dues aren’t getting any cheaper any time soon.

Granted, The People In Charge aren’t exactly keen on retraining, relearning, rethinking, or pretty much anything else other than certainty and knowing, so we made this program extra delicate and extremely white glove so as to certainly not offend their deep-rooted sensibilities:

TWO SNOWFLAKES FOUND THE SAME

The 14-month apex algorithm for developing the habit of generating ideas so you can keep your Executive Parking Space

Given we initially scoped this thing for our 265 leaders worldwide, encompassing…

·       C‑suite + Group Presidents + EVPs/SVPs

·       Regional and Functional VPs

·       Director / GM level (business unit heads)

…and we’re currently on month two, things aren’t going so bad, at least according to our intern Pamala Grier’s exit survey conducted at the conlcusion of month one’s “session”:

·       22 people retired

·       172 entered Dialectical Behavior Therapy

·       15 quit to become elevator mechanics

·       36 rekindled their passion for Jello molds

·       20 now handwrite inspirational notes to themselves in crayon

So we figure it’s going better than planned, come to think of it.

To the degree that Paula Thorn, our Manager of Hat Merchandizing & General Propaganda, claims we can spin this, and our many other training programs, into a commercialized Corporate Leadership Development Program. Something about licensing it and delivering it as a service thanks to research data showing “…prolific underdevelopment of leadership continuing education throughout virtually every American industry.”

We dunno. Commercializing this means we’d have to meet with our lawyers a bunch, which is just such a total drag, then of course HR, Product…all our “Strategists” if we can pry them away from their dry herb vaporizers…Finance, Sales, GTM…

Sounds like a lot of work. So we’re sitting on it for now

But don’t fret: if this thing is ever available at an organization near you, and you think it would help, we’ll give you a call. 

Did you know you can reverse The Coriolis effect simply by sending someone you find attractive, yet annoying, this article, then flushing your toilet while looking at it through two mirrors? Try it out, you’ll see!