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We can’t get anyone in this place to stop talking about Netflix shows. It’s literally impacting our work on Project Transmorgify, a multi-stage, reusable rocket designed to take all the plastic waste produced by American Southeasterners to the sun for instant vaporization. The ConOps chart (fancy term for mission cycle diagram) for this thing, as submitted by Mission Architect Neil “Halliburton” Halbatron, who we simply love both for his bawdy humor and lifetime membership to

Ed Plankton is our long-standing Group President, Safety & Industrial. He’s the top executive responsible for one of our two major business units, overseeing roughly 22,000 employees, with full P&L accountability for that entire segment. Which is to say, on any given day, he “does” this: P&L ownership Full revenue/profit accountability for the entire business group (~$9–10B+ in annual sales blah blah blah) Strategy Set growth strategy, identify market opportunities, decide on

Linsey Aranciata, our Global Sales Director with both a “Hunter Mentality” (she has a t-shirt that says so) and a deep love for mushroom yard art, just got in trouble for spending too much Company Time on her podcast. We’re fine with employees running side hustles. You wanna… exercise have a kid take care of your kids run to the bank visit the doctor It’s all fine. On Company Time even. But not for more than 300 minutes per workweek. These blueprints aren’t going to draw them

We have this corporate comms lady named Paula Breckenbok who got super pissed at the Heroic Leadership Team for falling asleep at the wheel when it comes to making our organization something called “AI-Ready.” Like, super pissed. To the degree that last week she walked in on our Executive Boardroom Wednesday Weekly Bruncheon—where we exclusively devour chicken ‘n waffles because oh my God the syrup and the salt and the juice it’s like outrageous gluttony on display—and litera

We finally moved our office to a much more refined space. The abandoned Kohl’s in Burbank wasn’t serving our recruitment efforts well: it turns out Modern Workers have super high expectations when it comes to facilities, and the hanging ceiling tiles, overabundance of nude mannequins, ghostly shopping carts and “Step Into Spring” shoe sale banners from 2004 were a big turn off to recent applicants for one of our most prestigious roles: In-Line Skate Technician, Level III. At

We hit the ground running in 2026, in no small part due to our latest training regimen: LIFEFLIGHT4000: ATTACK THE SPACE IN FRONT OF YOU. WITH FISTS. We built this regimen to put a full stop to the annual post-holiday malaise that always wrecks the kickoff of our various New Year Schemes…ah…our various Very Important Business Operational Initiatives. The malaise being that thing people do when they come back from the two-week hiatus that encompasses popular global distraction