What's Wrong Little Mousey?

We finally moved our office to a much more refined space.

The abandoned Kohl’s in Burbank wasn’t serving our recruitment efforts well: it turns out Modern Workers have super high expectations when it comes to facilities, and the hanging ceiling tiles, overabundance of nude mannequins, ghostly shopping carts and “Step Into Spring” shoe sale banners from 2004 were a big turn off to recent applicants for one of our most prestigious roles: In-Line Skate Technician, Level III.

At least according to the post-interview survey we make all interviewees take…the results of which we typically ignore and simply use to collect and sell their personal information—except this time because our Senior Lead Technical Recruiter Class IV, Martin, got ahold of the typically-abysmal survey results and used them as objective evidence we were preventing him from “effectively doing his job.”

Sheesh. Relax. Okay okay we get it.

So to help Martin, we signed a lease for this stupid open floor plan on the fourth floor of some trendy brick building off Ashbury Street in the Denver-Boulder corridor.

One floor only – no cavernous secret basement lairs for Research & Development, no unheated (to keep them motivated) loading dock for Sales, no manager’s office mezzanine with one-way viewing window for our Executives.

Basically, no fun.

Just one floor, where we’re all equal because there are no offices with closeable/lockable doors, just a bunch of “pods” featuring sit/stand desks, too many bean bags, and way too many sensory reset stations where people can check out and get clairvoyant or eat yogurt or whatever it is they need to do to get their heads straight.

Whatever happened to smoking and happy hour to get your head straight?

Anyway, it’s fine. People seem happier and Martin is way less grumpy because he filled four vital roles in six weeks start-to-finish, ostensibly due, in part, to our new digs. But these same people + Martin don’t understand our rent just octupled and that puts serious constraints on The Executives effectively avoiding work. For example, Charles, our Chief AI Officer, had to cancel his Cold Plunge Treatment Spa Package because of this increased-overhead-expense travesty.

Sure, exploding revenue from our latest Internet of Things invention…

Smiley, The Talking Horse-Faced Indoor Garbage Receptacle Featuring Daf-O-Dil Emission Scent Blastin’ AI Technology®.

Available at all Philadelphia Walmarts and on Etsy.

…helps, but there are many, many other pro-employee expenses that must be accounted for and, as we’ve recently determined, publicized, so everyone who works here gets how good they got it, and the greater unwashed public understands how completely benevolent we are as an organization when it comes to helping employees flourish, thrive, and ultimately buy better cars.

(The following employee benefit program costs are accrued on an annual basis. Note: All workshops include group reflection/recitation by the reflection/recitation pool that needs to be drained/cleaned/refilled.)

WELLNESS

Mandatory Workshops

Right At Work Starts With Right In Your Brain

How To Manage Your Emotional Overhead

Now Meditate!

Total Cost: $98,765

CONTINUING EDUCATION

Mandatory Workshops

You’re Here To Maximize Output

Listen & Redirect For The Win

Verbal Output Calibration For The Over-Expressive

Total Annual Cost: $278,555.55

FUNCTION-SPECIFIC CROSSTRAINING

Mandatory Workshops

Multidirectional Forklift OSHA Certification

CompTIA Linux+ Certification

CP Regulation (REG) Exam Prep (from AICPA Uniform CPA Examination core sections)

Total Annual Cost: $482,002

CULTURE, VALUE, AND MISSION REINFORCEMENT

Mandatory Workshops

Somebody Else Will Get To It

Stop Talking When You’re Wrong

It’s Called Company Culture, Not Your Culture

Total Annual Cost: $175,555.55

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion

Mandatory Workshops

Equity In Action: What It Looks Like When It’s Working Fine Already

But Have You Tried Not Being Offended?

Seeing Past The Labels: Why We’re All Basically The Same (And That’s Great)

Total Annual Cost: $88,017

Unfortunately, our new defense attorney Laura Mäkinen —who hails from Finland, which somehow produces both the world’s happiest people and its most terrifying legal professionals—caught wind of the above before we could publish it internally, and used phrases like “catastrophic liability” and “I will personally ensure this never sees the light of day” and “what is wrong with all of you” and “I’m going out for mämmi.” Which at first we interpreted as Laura calling her mom or something, but it turns out mämmi is a dark, jelly‑like rye‑based dessert that many foreigners compare to petroleum.

So. Fine. At Laura’s insistence, and to avoid what she described as “the kind of lawsuit that ends careers and occasionally countries,” we’ve appended one Laura-approved replacement workshop to each category. Which, she’d like us to note, she provided free of charge because “someone has to.”

WELLNESS: Here’s What I’m Noticing: Learning To Actually Listen To Yourself Before You Implode On Everyone Else

CONTINUING EDUCATION: The Whole Sentence: How To Hear What People Are Actually Saying Before You Decide You Already Know

FUNCTION-SPECIFIC CROSSTRAINING: What Is It Like To Be You: Empathy As A Skill You Can Actually Get Better At If You Try

CULTURE, VALUE, AND MISSION REINFORCEMENT: Other People Have A Point: The Quiet Courage Of Caring More About What Matters To Others Than What Matters To You

DIVERSITY, EQUITY, AND INCLUSION: The Room You’re In: How To Make Space For Everyone Else Without Making It About How Generous You Are

Lisa says these are “the only workshops that matter.” We think they sound expensive.

But we’ve been wrong before, apparently.

How do you take care of your mental health and wellbeing? What? Sorry, OMG we weren’t listening…what’s wrong with us when we can’t even listen to the answer to a question we just asked! Say, if you know someone who does that to you all the time, send them this article, maybe it will fix them right up.